I have aphantasia
What it means and how it impacts my games
2023-06-30
What it means and how it impacts my games
2023-06-30
I don’t have the ability to visualize things in my mind. I have no inner eye or visual recall.
This extends to other senses too: although I’m a music lover, I can’t really imagine and “hear” a piece of music that I love and know by heart. I don’t have much of an inner voice or inner monologue.
It’s just kind of still and quiet in my head when I try to visualize things.
For most of my life I thought that “counting sheep” was just a weird saying.
I meditate a lot, but never understood that people actually visualize during visualization meditations. I thought “visualization” was just another way of saying “descriptive.” Come to find out, there’s a reason I always found guided meditations kind of boring.
It probably has a lot to do with my poor memory. I can probably tell you facts about things, but I have no immersive recall of anything that has ever happened to me.
I play lots of games—both as a player and as a GM—in a variety of formats: in person, online, text only, voice only. Theater of the Mind is often my preferred mode of play. I make lots of games that I publish both on this blog and on my itch.
Aphantasia impacts my games the same amount that it impacts the rest of my life: hardly at all.
Remember, to me, this is normal. The fact that all of you can willingly hallucinate on command makes you the weirdos.
If I am a player in your game and you describe the following scene:
Your warrior crosses the battlefield, sword held aloft, and leaps onto the tail of the blue dragon. The tail twitches, but the dragon is distracted by the wizard currently hurling fire bolts at its face. You stumble but keep your footing as you scale the beast’s back. Finding your perch between its shoulder blades, you raise your sword overhead in both hands. The wyrm throws its head back and roars in furious agony as you drive the blade deep between its wings.
… that’s dope as hell, and I know exactly what’s going on when you say that. I’ve been exposed to the same fantasy media and tropes that you have. I know what a dragon looks like, and I know what an epic fantasy battle looks like just as well as you do. I just can’t “see” it the way you probably can.
Speaking of battlefields, yes, maps and minis for in-person play, and virtual tabletops for online play, help me visualize distances and sizes during combat. But I think that’s true for everybody. And those things are only important in wargames like D&D where tactics, range, and precision are really important.
Honestly, tactical map-based combat is fun for me if it’s fast and risky, but if it ever lasts more than 3 - 5 total rounds, it starts to get boring. I’m here for stories. Not for battlefield simulation: I prefer cinematics over tactics, and tend to enjoy more abstracted combat.
I think my aphantasia is also a big reason why I’m such a historian / chronicler / notetaker / doodler during my games. Player or GM. It’s a way for me to engage with and remember the session in the absence of being able to visually recall or think about it later.
So if you’re ever running a game for me or somebody like me—and you may not ever; it is estimated that only ~2% of the population are aphantasics—then here is my advice for you.
Talk to your player. This is the universal number one rule for all games. For any relationship whatsoever, really. Ask them about their experience, ask them what their needs and expectations are, and be honest—with them and with yourself—about whether you can satisfy them.
Be patient. If the scenario in play relies on lots of visual or spatial information, you may need to repeat yourself for them. Or get out some paper and make a few squiggles. This is true for battle scenarios, who’s currently injured how much, and puzzles. Puzzles especially, for me.
Maybe use some maps and figures?
Have a question? Let me know and I’ll answer it here.
How It Feels To Be Blind In Your Mind
https://medicine.exeter.ac.uk/media/universityofexeter/medicalschool/research/neuroscience/docs/theeyesmind/Blake_Ross_April_2016_facebook_post_Aphantasia.pdf
What It’s Like When You Can’t See Images in Your Mind
https://www.verywellmind.com/aphantasia-overview-4178710